Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
