You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
