when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
