Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hippo gnu deer
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
