The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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