Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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