I accidentally burped into my bong.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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