i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
