I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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