I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
