My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
