i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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