Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
