She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I will pee on everything he values.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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