yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
