Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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