It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
