Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
