it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
