Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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