i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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