...so i touched it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
