Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i think i have two assholes
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
