So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
a search helicopter?!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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