when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
