it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
did i walk over a car last night?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
