All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
