Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
