Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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