I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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