Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
