So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
