Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Damn victory sex feels great
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
