Im at strip club and am horny
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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