when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
of course. lets lasso hookers.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We are all done wearing pants today
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
