Who wears a wallet chain?!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am naked and annoyed.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
