you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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