she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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