There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my shit smells like andre
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
