I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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