So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
