I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
