when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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