he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need moral support for this bender
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
me + whiskey = a bad person
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
