i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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