she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
