I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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