just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
