So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize
