i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
