i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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