woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
